Amazing Grace

I start to walk out of the darkened room and he quietly says, “One more kiss, Mommy.” I've already showered him with kisses all over his face and sang him a song while wrapping my arms around his skinny body. I step back to his bedside and lean over and give him a kiss and stroke his cheek, “Goodnight Andrew, see you in the morning. Love you.” “Love you, Mommy.” And as I walk down the stairs, “Goodnight, Mommy, love you, see you in the morning.” And that's what it's like tucking in an 11 year old boy who's never had anyone tuck him in before... and I get to do it every night.

I've been meaning to write a blog post for about 3 months now. And the reason I haven't isn't because I didn't have anything good to say or because this older child adoption has thrown me for a loop and I didn't want to share. Nope, it's just laziness... or perhaps a better way of putting it: I haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. I knew it would be hard to express everything that's happened and how our family has changed, how we have grown to know and love our new son and brother. And, really, I wanted to do him justice. I didn't want to gloss over the beautiful experiences that are difficult to put into words.

Andrew has been home just over 4 months now. His English is coming along very well and we rarely have to use the translate app anymore. He is in 4^th grade at the public school and is getting a lot of support to help him reach his full potential. He has learned to read simple site word books and is making gains in math, although he is still grade levels behind his peers. Unfortunately, in China he just wasn't taught all the skills he could have learned because he wasn't allowed to go to public school. School can be exhausting for him, and this whole “academically challenging” thing is new to him, but he will keep trying and we will keep encouraging.

He has gone from having intense fear of our loveable labrador, Chloe, to being the child most attentive to her needs. He likes going to church because it involves singing and dancing, which are his favorites. He doesn't like to watch TV or movies and enjoys taking naps in the reclining seats at the nice movie theater he's been to twice. (Sidenote: the 3^rd time we went to the movies, it was at the “regular” movie theater without reclining seats and he sat down and gave me a confused and disappointed look, “What's this?” This no good.” lol... although he DID find a way to fall asleep for a good chunk of the movie.) He loves American food and actually chose pizza for his birthday dinner over Chinese food. He loves spaghetti noodles with sauce, pizza, french fries and he gets SUPER excited when we say we're going to Chick-Fil-A. 

First movie: Moana

For fun he likes to play outside on his “bike” (low-riding big wheel drifter), throw the football around, or kick a soccer ball... mostly anything that's active and sporty (which I think is because he was never allowed to do that stuff in China, plus that's his personality.) He's not my Lego builder, that's for sure, lol. He will play on the iPad and likes to play a racing game on our Xbox with his siblings for his “nonactive play.” He's a very social boy and doesn't like to be alone. He's already made friends in school and gets along with nearly everyone. Even he and Sam have become close and just like typical brothers. When Andrew first came home, Sam was quite jealous of the attention he received and wanted from me and of how much Joshua loved to play with him. It's taken a few months, but Sam has started to settle and feel secure in knowing that Mommy can love on Andrew and him at the same time... literally, there are times these two boys are hanging on my like monkeys wanting kisses and hugs and vying for my attention. They are my extroverts for sure, which is really draining to this introverted momma. But I gotta laugh, God has a good sense of humor:) Andrew is a sweet older brother to Sam as long as Sam doesn't annoy him past his breaking point.... but even then he's not mean to Sam, he just puts him in his place. The boy doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's got a heart of gold.

Andrew often acts immature and younger than an 11 year old, which is to be expected. Sometimes this gets to me as I lose patience when he acts like a 4 year old, but I dig deep and find as much grace as I can muster during those times. We've navigated through some tricky situations and emotions during these past 4-5 months. Not gonna sugarcoat it... there have been HARD times. I quickly picked up on the fact that he had very little ability to regulate his emotions, especially when it comes to sadness, anger, and frustration. He would start the downward spiral of negative thoughts and it was all downhill from that point. In the beginning his tantrums/ meltdowns lasted anywhere from 30 mins to an hour and he would have an “episode” daily or every other day, then gradually they started becoming more sporadic and now we are at the point that the meltdowns are much less intense and not nearly as frequent. He has developed some ability to stop the downward spiral before it spins out of control.

Even in the beginning, when he would have horrible tantrums and meltdowns and yelling at us, I knew he wasn't really mad at us...even if he said he didn't love us or whatever, I knew his anger was rooted in the situation that was out his control or in the physical pain his was feeling (that he had learned to cover up) or in the emotional pain that he didn't even understand. I tried my best not to take it personally but it was still hard to get him through those moments or to know what we should or should not do or say. Parenting is no joke, ya know? But no matter how upset he got or what he said to us, he would always apologize to us after he calmed down... he would come and wrap his arms around me and lean in and say “sorry, Mommy.” And I would hug him back and tell him I loved him and I love him ALL OF THE TIME, even when he's yelling at me or not listening to me, or acting out, or driving me crazy... I ALWAYS love him.... I might not love his actions, but I love him, and THAT was my saving grace... the deep and real love I feel for him made the hard times a little easier to swim through. I was able to come up for air and breathe. I knew he was never taught how to regulate his emotions and he had no sense of security, no sense of true self or who he was in the world. All his life he knew he was an orphan; he had no one that was HIS. And so it takes time to heal wounds like that. His life hasn't been fair. Before his first birthday he lost his first family and he grew up in an institution that, although they did their best to care for him, was insufficient and inadequate and not how any child should have to grow up. He's so much stronger than I am. He has endured physical pain and emotional pain that I will never truly understand. He needed to know that he is loved here and so we made sure he knew.. And slowly that reality, that feeling of unconditional love, entered into his heart and I can see him begin relax and start to understand what love and family means.

The youngest picture we have of him. Probably around a year old.

It's not hard to love this boy. That's for sure. He just emits joy and love and kindness out of his soul. He's pure, he's naïve, he's generous, he's thoughtful, he's understanding... but besides all that, he's just easy to love. I don't know how to explain it other than he opens his heart to you and in his sincerity, you are hooked. I felt it the first time I met him. The first time we brought Andrew over to my parents house after coming home my mom was telling me how before we left and even when we were on the trip, she hadn't emotionally grasped the fact that we were adopting a 10 year old boy and he was about to enter into our family. But when she met him, that all changed. He flashed that smile, gave her a big hug and she's a goner... we all felt connected and attached to him and him to us and that really wasn't about US... it was all Andrew.

He so physically affectionate and that surprises me. The Chinese are not, how do I say, super “huggy” people. Even Sam, who was in a great group foster home, didn't really know who to give hugs when he first came home. It took a while and some coaching until he gave us good, real hugs and Joshua still doesn't do it to this day (it's not his love language.) Andrew is definitely “a hugger”, as I told his hematologist during our first visit when Andrew gave him a big bear hug as he was saying goodbye. And just like that the serious, scientific side of the doctor melted away and he got a glimpse of his newest patient's sweet soul.

One time, months ago, as he was giving me a big ol' hug (he has to have them throughout the day), I asked him, “Who did you give hugs to in China? Who gave you hugs?” “Nobody” he said. “No lots of hugs in China.” He smiled at me when I made a sad face and gave me another big hug. I don't know how the kid survived, he LIVES off hugs. It's so his love language. It's like he's been craving this affection for so long and he's eating it up.

He told us little bits of pieces of his life in China. One strange memory he shared was when he was little, not sure what age, some “big brothers” from the local city (maybe college students? I don't know?) took him outside the orphanage for the day, sounded like a “big brother” program or something. He said he remembers holding their hands and him being in the middle of them. Then he said they took him on a public bus and then they weren't there (like they got off and left him? Or they put him on the bus to go back to the orphanage by himself?) He said he remembers he started to cry and then people on the bus noticed him and the police took him back to the orphanage. I don't know how much of the whole story was lost in translation, but goodness, I don't think he was making it up. Who knows what other stories he has?

He was definitely closest to his teacher in the orphanage. She is in her early 20s and was his teacher for the past several years, after he got too old to be in the preschool program. He was very close to her and she seems like a big sister to him. He also has a nanny (Ayi) that took care of him for a long time, along with many other boys. He still keeps in touch with them via live video chat when he can. I know they both cared for him a lot but it's not the same as family. He has truly thrived in our family and he has brought out the best in us.

 

Trying to teach Sam Chinese checkers

I remember a couple of months ago, it was late in the day, and Andrew got upset about something (seemingly small... I think it had to do with a video game). He went to his room and began one of his meltdowns. We learned that often times it didn't help for us to try to talk to him, so if he wasn't going to try to talk to us, we just let him work through it for a while until he calmed down. This day I remember the other kids wanted to help him, usually it was Ella or Daniel who would try to help, sometimes it would work, other times it wouldn't. But this day one of them got the idea for all 5 to go together into Andrew's room and try to cheer him up and get him out of his funk. I kinda shook my head, thinking, “good luck” “you can try, but don't expect anything.” (We had been down this road before.) Before long I heard laughter coming out of his room and soon all six of them rumbled down the stairs together back to the basement to play. He let them break down his wall a little... and that brought them all closer together. Barriers crumbling, hearts opening.

They are a tight sibling group, no doubt. They aren't “the first three and the adopted boys”. No. They are all one big mess together who get along, who fight, who laugh, who yell, and who love each other. The girls are such awesome big sisters. They are patient and kind with their brothers and have learned that adopting a 10 year old is quite different from adopting a toddler or younger child, but that it can be just as sweet. I've seen them come to understand that even when someone pushes you away or doesn't return your affection, that doesn't mean you give up on that person, that just means the person isn't ready or able to return the affection... but one day they will, and they'll remember that you never gave up on them... and that you always believed in them.

And while the idea of adopting a 10 year old boy (soon to be 11) when you have 11 and 13 year girls at home may not sound like a good idea on paper, it may not be something a social worker would recommend, and people may think you are crazy.... while that may all be true, it doesn't really matter to God. God doesn't play by our rules. Sometimes the stories and plans you have thought out in your head are not the same ones God has in mind for you. And I've found that if I ask him what HE wants for me, not what I want from Him, the story turns out way better than I could have ever dreamed, trust me.

Someone said to Fred that adopting these boys is “our mission”... I have a hard time with that term. These boys are not charity cases, we don't feel like we are fulfilling a duty here. We aren't trying to “save all the orphans.” We aren't their parents because we have to be, we are their parents because we want to be. God moved our hearts towards adoption and the blessings that have poured out upon us have been too many to count or keep up with. Are we busy? Yes. Are our kids perfect? No. Are we perfect parents? No. Do we doubt if we are doing everything right? Yes. Would I want to be doing something different with my life? NO WAY. I feel that we are all right where we should be.

Sam the Bold

Joshua the Brave

Andrew the Courageous

I'm in Andrew's room one afternoon putting something away. Andrew is dancing as he listens to the radio and Sam is also in the room playing with a toy. The song “Amazing Grace” comes on the Christian music station the radio was tuned to (he likes to get his praise on, even though he has no idea what they are saying half the time.) Andrew slows his dancing and I start slowly dancing with him, swaying back and forth... Sam comes over and wraps his arms around me and Andrew puts his arm around Sam. And the three of us are listening to this old hymn and swaying to the music, hugging each other. It was a spontaneous and beautifully real moment yet I felt almost as if I was dreaming. How was it that these two boys in my arms who were born 6 years apart in the same province in China, one who came close to death as an infant and one who lived with a life-threatening bleeding disorder that was not treated properly, were now brothers forever and my sons for the rest of their lives? How is that? I certainly didn't do anything to deserve these boys, but God's Amazing Grace has no boundaries. I've learned that it's easy to be blinded by society's expectations and social norms. It's our nature to compare ourselves to others, to want all we can get out of life, to worry that we won't have enough money or enough time to do all we want to do. We get caught up with the little details and don't trust God with the big picture. I've found the best way for me to avoid that is to ask for God's will to be done. Ask Him what his is purpose for me. We all have purpose; God will let you SEE it, if you ask. Five years ago I would have NEVER guessed that'd I'd be slow-dancing to Amazing Grace with my 5 and 11 year old sons from China, have 6 kids and drive a 12 passenger van (oh yes, we did), but years ago I asked God to show me His will for my life.... and here we are... and I get to be part of this story with these amazing kids and husband. 

"I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see."