A long and rambling story of love

I shouldn't be starting this blog post at 10:30pm, but here I am. (Note: now it's weeks later, true story.) It's my procrastinating nature at it's finest. See, I don't HAVE to write this blog, no one is paying me to (although that would be nice), no one is depending on me to write this. If I don't write this, no one will be hungry or dirty or or fall to their knees from frustration because they can't read it. 

"Mommy hasn't written her blog!"

Other things I do during the day... they'll come get me if I don't pay attention. Literally, they will find me... anywhere. (See image above.)

So it's been 6ish months since we adopted Joshua and a little more than a year since we adopted Sam. I have to say things are going really well. We are all one big, happy, loud, disheveled, messy, loving family. Sometimes I try to imagine or contemplate what our lives would be like if we never adopted one or both of them. Not because I regret it, far from it. Just out of curiosity. I wonder if Shannon, Ella, and Daniel would be different... but I don't really think so. Their personalities were very established and have stayed true. They've matured a little, some more than others;) But I will never really know how their lives would be now if we had never adopted Sam and Joshua. These boys are so much a part of our family, it's hard to imagine life without them. Although, I have a feeling that life would be more quiet and less hectic for sure.  So how have our biological children's lives, or our life as a family, been impacted, negatively or positively, by these adoptions? Well, they have to share more... more of their things, more of their time, more of their space... and more of their love. They may have to put off what they were going to do to help their brother with something. They will have to wait longer for their turn. We don't get out as much. It's too expensive and can be psychically exhausting (for the parents especially.) Family trips are more difficult to plan. Hell, getting them all in the car with shoes on is a tremendous feat and exercise in patience. 

But to see the older kids want to give their love to their little brothers, who came to us not quite knowing how to accept all of this love, has been a beautiful story to watch. 
Even when Sam or Joshua do not reciprocate their affection, out of a way to exert power, I just tell them to just say "I love you." That's what they need to hear.

 Joshua's 1st trip to the beach. Hilton Head October 2014

Not to say that our daily lives aren't exhausting. Nothing like those hours from 3pm-8pm, can I get an "Amen," parents? Homework, activities, snack, play time, dinner, bath, stories, bed... this is why I don't get this blog written. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, not right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to do this schtick my whole life. But for this season we are in, it's pretty sweet. And seeing Shannon turn into a young lady before my eyes is shocking me. I'm not one of those parents who cried at the first day of preschool or kindergarten or when she lost her first tooth. But this whole puberty/middle school/tween thing? Please. Time can slow down now, thank you. She already looks and acts like a teenager! But the nice kind who respect their parents and are responsible. Do those kind of teenagers exist?? I hope so. (God knew what He was doing when He made her our first... break us in easy.) 

Do I wish there was more peace and tranquility and harmony in our house? Yes, yes I do. I don't know why I still have a desire for that.. it's not gonna happen, Alison. There are too many different and conflicting personalities in this house. But the times when we do have harmony, like from 4:07-4:15 yesterday, it makes me happy. And I'm learning not to be so surprised or let down when the fighting starts again. Yep, even old "been there, done that" moms like me can still learn a thing or two... thank goodness. The moment I sit back on my laurels and think I've got this thing all figured out, someone please slap me. These kids inspire me to be a better mom everyday. And I've learned a lot from other parents who are "in the trenches" with me. (Facebook is a blessing and a curse, but that's another blog post.)

Okay, enough about me... since I think some people read this blog to learn about adoption, I'd like to share our story and our continuing journey on this path we have been blessed to take. I still feel God lead us to adoption, and we just said "yes."  

So, Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. As his preschool teacher told us, "That one will keep you young." Hmmmmmm...Yes, always what you want to hear from a teacher:)  It's funny because our other three have always been great at school. The girls, of course, were. And even Daniel, who was and continues to be my most challenging child to parent, has always been an angel at school, and with all other people for that matter! But Sam... he is who he is. And he's gonna act the same for us or his teachers or his grandparents. What does that tell me? He's comfortable in his own skin. Looking back on his personality when we first met him, he really hasn't changed too much. He's come out of his shell for sure, and will be silly and try to make his siblings laugh (surprisingly potty humor still works on an 11 year old girl, Sam has discovered.) Sam is smart and figures things out, sometimes even when I don't want him to. He's knows what he wants and what he doesn't, and he'll let you know as well. He's a sweet boy and will apologize to me when he does something he shouldn't (like yell at me or stomp his foot at me, he's a big stomper... even when he runs. But you DON'T stomp your foot down at Mommy. Un-uh.) He gives the best hugs and kisses and is just so darn cuddly... like that little bear cub on the Downy commercial, remember him?

His congenital heart defect that was operated on in China was repaired well, and we only have to take him to the cardiologist once a year. He's a sturdy, robust fellow... think mini sumo wrestler, ever-so-slightly bow legged and walks with authority and a heavy foot, yet surprisingly agile and well balanced. Sam is also proving my theory of "there are not terrible twos but terrible threes" correct.  Three year olds are much more opinionated and more difficult to coerce...um, I mean less likely to comply with your requests;) He talks ALL DAY LONG. He has a long list of demands... um, I mean requests, that he continually reminds us of throughout the day. Most requested items: candy, gum, yogurt, cheese, cookie (particularly chocolate sprinkle cookie from Publix... they bakery workers know us well). He's not a morning person but insists upon getting up at the ungodly hour on school mornings and then will harshly demand juice and a waffle. Literally, he will talk about juice and waffles until they appear in front of him. No matter how many times I try to explain that COFFEE comes before everything else. He still loves playing with toy cars, trains, trucks, etc. He likes to build legos and he loves to play outside with the big kids. Truly though, really he's a sweet boy... and yes, he keeps us on our toes.

                                     

Joshua has been home almost 7 months now. In a few weeks he will have the first birthday party of his 6 years of life. In China he told us he had no party. He said one of his friends had a celebration last year (we saw pictures) but then we realized that was because his was matched with his family and they sent money for a cake and the orphanage took pictures of him and many other kids around the cake as he opened some presents. Joshua's birthday had been a few months before. He had not known we were coming at that time and, according to him, there had been no celebration. I'm really not sure if he even knew when the date of his birthday. He's seen Daniel's birthday celebrated and Shannon's and Sam's. And now he KNOWS what's special about February 11th, so for this birthday, his 6th birthday, he WILL have a party... a big one:) 

Pretending to suck his thumb like Sam, silly

Lined up his cars and said they were his class at school and the lead car was his awesome teacher, Mrs. Varrone... (who was also the first person from his class he wanted to invite to his birthday party:)

Joshua came to us a happy, smiling boy (after the initial hesitation and shyness), and he still is a happy, smiling boy. But there are levels of complexity to this boy that I'm still learning about. He had to develop some tools of self protection from his life in an institutional setting. He can get very stiff and tense up his whole body when he doesn't want to do something. For such a little kid, he's REALLY strong. This doesn't happen often and he understands that he can't always get his way or what he wants, and although he may let out a whine, he will go along. A whine I can deal with.

He doesn't do a great job of sticking up for himself, especially with his younger type-A brother. Sam and Joshua get along well and can play very well together, but when Sam decides to be a stinker and hit Joshua or take his toy, Joshua comes and whines to me instead of trying to stand up for himself. It makes me wonder what life was like for him at the orphanage. I mean, obviously he's cute and I bet the nannies liked him, but I wonder if he was an easy target for the older boys. According to him, yes, older boys hit him or pushed him down. He only has one friend he talks about (who now lives in Wisconsin.) This boy is his only positive memory that he speaks of. And To be honest, he doesn't really show much interest or desire to talk about China. If were not for me asking him questions, I don't think he would ever bring up his life in China. I know he was cared for, he was taught things, he was comforted. I can tell his orphanage was definitely one of the better ones. But there is a difference between being cared for and being loved. And I don't think he really knew what love was when came home. And certainly he didn't know what "family" means. One time, months ago, when I was asking him about his life in China and if he did something by himself, he told me that the mommies helped him. What? The mommies? Yes, LOTS of mommies he said... no daddies. That's when it hit me, he doesn't get it. He doesn't know who I am... I'm THE mommy! There aren't any other mommies coming into the picture, buddy. Just me and Daddy and your brothers and sisters. Seems like a simple concept to us, who grew up in families. But when you've NEVER known this, how can you explain it? You can't. He has to experience it to know it... he has to feel "family."   So much of life is feelings. We feel loved, we feel frustrated, we feel ashamed or joyful or depressed. When you are in a family you feel like you belong, unconditionally.

So for the past several months, Joshua has been experiencing what "family" feels like. And I think it's starting to sink in. He told me tonight that he loves ______ (fill in the blank with the other six of us.) This the first time I can remember him bringing up love and proactively telling me that he loves us versus repeating it to us when we say it to him. 

He still is reluctant to accept praise at times... not about doing a good job on a puzzle or kicking a soccer ball, but accepting  praise about himself as a person. I tell him I'm proud of him, he's doing so well in school, he's trying so hard, he's a good boy and I will always love him forever... he looks down... kinda nods his head. He's not used to hearing such talk. But he better get used to it, because I'm gonna build this boy up so high he's gonna fly:)

As far as his Thalassemia goes, he is doing well. He gets blood transfusions every 4 weeks. He looks forward to these days because he gets a day off school and gets to play on the iPad. He usually does really great getting his IV in... except for the last time when they couldn't find the vein, called in the IV team, they tried to use his hand, he started freaking out and pulling away, they went back to the arm and it all worked out... and of course that day started with him getting car sick all over himself at 7:45 in the left lane on GA 400 in stop and go traffic. #thankfulthatTargetisopenearly  Also, soooo thankful for the amazing nurses and our doctor at CHOA. They sent him home with a marble maze toy for his troubles:) 
I can only assume that he had a negative experience in China with his hand getting poked too much, but now we know not to try that in the future. 

He is also on a daily medication for iron overload. Since he gets so many blood transfusions, iron builds up in his body. That is not good and the reason that kids in China, and other areas where they can't get chelation meds, die at a young age from organ failure or heart problems. Joshua was taking an oral medication when we first started, but that wasn't working well for him so his doctor switched him to the medication most Thal patients had to use before the oral meds were invented. The thing about this medication is that it's delivered to the body via a sub q infusion over 10 hours. I knew about the possibility of having to use  the medication when I first started researching Thalassemia. Of course, me, in my optimism, thought that he'd probably just take the oral medication and that would work and he'd be fine. Well, not the case, but really no biggie. I'm just happy that this medication exists and it works and it is prolonging his life! 

He does not have a port for this medication. Fred or I stick a little needle attached to a small catheter that goes just under the skin (lower tummy or thighs) and the medication is in a syringe that is loaded in a pump that slowly pushes the medicine into his body. He wears the pump on a belt while he sleeps. In the morning we take it out. He doesn't complain. He could probably almost do it himself (and one day he will.) So, yes, another addition to the bedtime routine, but now that we've been doing it for a couple of months, it's so easy and takes about 5 minutes each night.

Joshua and his nightly medication being administered via a pump into his tummy

Sometimes I think about how we wound up here... with 5 kids. And it is sad to me that Sam and Joshua are with us because of events out of their control...an imperfect world with complicated situations... not black and white issues, but lives shrouded in gray. I think adoption is a beautiful thing. You really can't appreciate the beauty until you're in the midst of it. It's like feeling "family." And maybe the appreciation doesn't happen as soon for some as others, but I like to think most people feel it. 

 It's upsetting that their birth parents couldn't be involved in it. Yet, this is a messy, gray area in their cases, like most cases of international adoption. And sometimes we hear stories on the newswire about something horrible that happened to a baby in China or Guatemala or Russia, and we judge them. But who are we to judge? Horrible things happen to children here, everyday. Our system is broken too. And, as we all know, anyone can be a parent... even people that probably shouldn't be. But I digress....

What I'm saying is that, in a perfect world, Sam and Joshua wouldn't be with us. They would be in China, with the mom and dad who gave them life. Sam's heart would have been anatomically correct and Joshua would not have Thalassemia. That's a perfect world. But they were abandoned and left with no one. Children are not meant to grow up without a family, but too many do, in this country and around the world. People adopt for different reasons, but the one thing they have in common is that they want to parent a child. And children need parents, so this is a way of "fixing" a broken part of the world. Except for God's love for us, there is no deeper love in this world than a parent's love for a child.  

I don't know that God gives us difficult circumstances, impossible to overcome situations, devastating events... more like they happen because our world is not perfect. Some people ask "why?" Why does God allow these horrible things to occur? This is a rhetorical question:) I don't really have an answer... goodness knows I'm not that smart. But I've heard some people say it's so we can help each other through these times and so we can rely on God when nothing else will do. When we are so broken and have no where else to turn. I do believe God can heal. Jesus came to our world, our imperfect world, not to make it a perfect world, but to show us how to live in it. Why is the greatest of these love? Why not faith? or hope?  Because hope won't heal you... and what good is faith if you don't share it with others? Love is the greatest because love is the most difficult. Sometimes it's hard to love others or to love ourselves or to love God. But I know this is true... God ALWAYS loves us, as his children. And His love is so powerful that it can heal the broken. And aren't we all broken at some point in our lives? 

So in this messed up and twisted world shrouded in gray we hear about everyday, don't forget about the greatest of these. Don't let the emptiness of worldly matters overshadow the power of God's love here in our world. It's so powerful and so pure. And if you feel there is too much evil out there, show a little kindness towards someone, give them hope, share your faith... or better yet, share your love, it's the greatest <3

Joshua and his cousin, Erin